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| You just walked into: Home > News | 8th August |
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 Tories want their identity back17 Aug 2005 by Nick Cooper
The Conservative Party needs to regain its identity, leader Michael Howard has told DeadBrain. In the middle of a leadership campaign that will see the unpopular, posh and rich Howard replaced by another unpopular, posh, rich and less well-known figure, Mr Howard outlined his vision for a new era of underachievement. "The simple fact is that we had our identity stolen sometime in the mid 1990s. Some cheeky little rapscallion went rifling through the bins outside Central Office and took everything except our name!" Since then the party has suffered a succession of blows, from the catastrophic election defeat in 1997, to the catastrophic election defeat in 2001, to the catastrophic election defeat in 2005, while flat-lining in the opinion polls throughout. The Tories have long held a list of suspects for the crime - number one on the list is Tony "Tony the Smiler" Blair, a local criminal and resident of Downing Street, just half a mile from the former Conservative Central Office in Westminster. "We must be Conservatives first and Conservatives last, but most importantly we must be something in between," Mr Howard said. "We need to fill the void that to some extent exists within our party where the ideas and vision should be. This void is too often filled by philosophies and views that are utterly alien to our society, and quite frankly, to aliens." Mr Howard will be replaced in November. The frontrunner is shadow home secretary David Davis, who has pledged to use his SAS experience to mount a dawn raid to recover the party's identity. The broken-nosed former TA man is currently recruiting a team to break into Downing Street some time in 2009, although friends privately admit that 2013 is a more realistic date. Related Articles Tories to adopt "interim leader of the day" 13 Jun 2005
Public reacts with excitement to Rifkind leadership dithering8 Jun 2005
Candidates for interim Tory leader begin to emerge6 May 2005 13:58
Tories set out post-election plans3 May 2005
Tories ask to be known as Labour6 Apr 2005
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