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Prescott 'seconds away' from nuclear strike on France
Deputy Prime Minister John Prescott, who was left to run the country during Tony Blair's holiday in Barbados, was only seconds away from launching Britain's full nuclear arsenal against France, it was revealed yesterday.
Doris Mullet, a cleaner at Number 10, described the widespread panic caused when John Prescott pressed the 'launch' button instead of the 'lunch' button on the control panel on the PM's desk. "All hell broke loose and Mr Prescott shat himself as alarms went off everywhere. I thought it was the end of the world."
Professor Douglas Ramsbottom, an expert on the UK military, said: "Tragedy was only averted as staff at Britain's nuclear HQ happened to be on their own lunch break and luckily no one was around at the time to carry out the launch command."
Trying out his French, the Deputy Prime Minister made an official apology to France yesterday, saying: "Je regret rien, bon appetite und wo sind der Maquis."
Doris added: "The DPM got such a rollicking after the PM returned, not just for pressing the wrong button, but for sleeping and leaving a load of pork pie wrappers in the PM's bed, and for running up a large Tesco bill."
An official Downing Street spokesman said: "There are many rumours going around at the moment about Mr Prescott's performance whilst the PM was away. I would like to confirm that the Deputy PM was not trying to impress the PM and did not arrange a large arms deal with Iran. Neither did he try to introduce a 'free doughnuts for pensioners' scheme and he certainly did not deal with the European pork pie mountain single-handed. Mr Prescott did not order 50 new ships for the Navy, he did not try to reverse the new school dinners policy, and is not currently stuck in the PM's bath."
Mrs Prescott, who made her fortune as the 'before' model in several major diet campaigns, said: "John did a fine job running this country during Tony's holiday and the British public should be proud of him."
Holiday firm Thompson confirmed yesterday that during Mr Blair's time away business had "never been better". Professor Douglas Ramsbottom of the UK Census, said: "I have never known anything like this before. During that fortnight so many Britons travelled abroad that the UK had its lowest population since 515 BC."
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