 |
|
|
| News · Satire · Spoof · Parody · Humour · Gordon Brown |
|
 |
|
| You accidentally discovered: Home > News | 18th March |
| |
|
DeadBrain obtains secret government plans to invade "democracy deserts"6 Sep 2005
The government has secret plans to invade recently-discovered "democracy deserts", DeadBrain has learned. Speaking after the Electoral Commission pointed out that some people don't vote, or don't register to vote, Harriet Harman said that democracy deserts posed a threat to democracy."We have really got what I am describing as democracy deserts - a situation where democracy is not operating," she said. "This presents a threat to our democracy, our safety and our way of life. We will use any means necessary to correct this sorry state of affairs." Ms Harman declined to elaborate on what means the government hoped to use to conquer the democracy deserts, or – "for security reasons" – what their precise locations are, but DeadBrain has obtained Cabinet papers which discuss the options under consideration. The first proposal was to "march non-voters to polling stations" whether they liked it or not. Although this idea found particular support from the Prime Minister, the Home Secretary pointed out that one could take a voter to a polling station but one could not make him or her actually vote. He added that it might be possible to cure antisocial behaviour during elections by encouraging youths to physically force people to vote, but this found little support. In a second paper, it was suggested that on-the-spot fines could be issued to non-voters, but John Prescott countered that this would disproportionately hurt the poorest voters, and they were more likely to vote Labour. Charles Clarke suggested allowing unruly youths to take a commission on successful fines, but this idea was again not supported on the grounds that they would probably just take all of the money and forget about the voting part. At this point the Prime Minister asked Mr Clarke in a hand-written note to stop trying to impress him, as he wouldn't be as "hard" as David Blunkett was no matter what he did. Third on the list was a proposal from Gordon Brown to sell off whole chunks of the democracy deserts to private companies in PFI deals, while simultaneously offering tax incentives to married voters over the age of 35 with at least two children and a dog. Despite mumblings from Mr Clarke at Cabinet about threatening to shoot the dogs, and a note from Mr Brown that the scheme would have to be called DemocracyPlus with ballot papers branded "Sponsored by Virgin Trains", the plan is to go forward for further consideration. Most popular, however, was a joint proposal from Tony Blair and his anonymous American adviser to "invade" the democracy deserts from land, air and sea. In a detailed military strategy document, bearing the heading "Iraq invasion plans – October 2001" crossed out with the words "Operation Enduring Labour Majority" written underneath, a short but fierce military campaign is envisaged with the complete support of the international community. A paragraph at the end suggested that British troops, American troops and Halliburton contractors would be "welcomed with open arms", that there would be little resistance and that the war would "probably be over by Christmas". No explanation was given for a crayon drawing half way through depicting an oilfield and pots of gold, initialled "G.W.".
|
|
|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| |
| Copyright ©2001-2009 DeadBrain. All rights reserved violently. | Disclaimer | Privacy Policy | Sheep |