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Branson announces pirate fertility clinic
In what appears to be a move to head off Danish company Cryos, which is considering a similar scheme, Sir Richard Branson announced today that Virgin is to open a fertility clinic onboard a ship anchored in international waters off the Humber estuary.
Speaking at a press conference from the basket of his hot-air balloon, Sir Richard told reporters that the latest offshoot to his business empire is to be called Virgin Birth. "It's an idea that we feel is immaculate in its conception," he said.
He explained that the inspiration for the new venture came from the glory days of pirate radio in the Sixties, when several ships anchored in the North Sea served as floating transmitters to provide commercial radio to a population that at the time was held in the iron grip of the BBC.
"I have fond memories of listening to Kenny Everett, Dave Cash, Keith Skues and the others on Caroline and London while I was working at my very first business ventures, Virgin Newspaper Delivery and Virgin Car-washing when I was six," he said.
"The pirates gave people what they wanted and what the powers that be wouldn't let them have," he added. "Well Virgin Birth is going to do the same. We're going to provide fertility treatment that is, or will be, forbidden in the UK, such as using sperm from anonymous donors."
In addition, said Sir Richard, Virgin Birth would be mounting a massive advertising campaign to try to persuade more British men to donate sperm, in order to address a massive shortage of the product. Under the slogan "Lend a hand" the campaign would be pitched at successful males. "But we don't want to limit the gene pool so no royals," he said, smiling.
"No, that's just a joke," he said, "don't quote me."
Upon being informed of the scheme Prince Charles apparently immediately began a letter-writing campaign to cabinet ministers decrying it as an act against nature. According to a Clarence House insider, who asked not to be identified, Charles was overheard to mutter "Instead of a Jolly Roger, just try a jolly good rogering, the old-fashioned, organic way."
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Look at this, moron.
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