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Home Secretary to promise crackdown on rowdy seniors
Home Secretary Charles Clarke is to announce government plans to deal with the growing problem of rowdy senior citizens, DeadBrain has learned. Although they are still under development it is believed that they will include special Seniors' Anti-Social Behaviour Orders, curfew orders, a new range of on-the-spot fines, and confiscation of Geritol and other products that may cause excitability among the elderly.
The plans have apparently been developed in response to the incident at the Labour Party conference in which 82-year-old tearaway Walter Wolfgang loudly interrupted a speech by Foreign Secretary Jack Straw with the single - and unwarranted - word "nonsense" in response to certain statements pertaining to the ongoing war in Iraq. It required the services of two burly security guards to wrestle Mr Wolfgang to the floor and hustle him from the room. Both were taken to hospital for treatment of injuries received in the struggle.
Mr Wolfgang was briefly charged under Section 54094 of the Prevention of Terrorism Act, "attempting to subvert the due process of government by heckling a Member of the Cabinet". He was released after signing a document affirming his belief that Prime Minister Blair and Mr Straw were right to take Britain into US President "Boy" George W Bush's Iraq adventure and promising to sit quietly and just listen in future.
Douglas Ramsbottom, a spokesman for Mr Clarke, said that while the Home Secretary generally supported the principle of freedom to dissent there must be some limits to it in a democratic society. He said that there a seemed to be a trend in the UK of increasing dissent and rowdyism among seniors, who, he said, "should know better". He cited several examples.
In January 2004 hundreds of pensioners brandishing potentially lethal placards marched noisily to Downing Street from Trafalgar Square to protest against council tax.
In September 2004 Bristol grandmother and unconfirmed international terrorist Carmen Taylor was arrested while taking part in a sit-down protest outside a courtroom in support of fathers who have been denied access to their children.
Earlier this week subversive Exeter pensioner Sylvia Hardy was jailed after refusing to pay £53.71 council tax arrears. Her jailing followed that of retired vicar and possible secret Satanist Alfred Ridley, 71, of Towcester earlier this month for the same reason.
"The Home Secretary has decided it's time to nip this dissent and rowdyism in the bud," said Mr Ramsbottom. He added that the government now acknowledged that it had failed completely to deal with youth anti-social behaviour such as binge drinking, and so had decided to turn its attention to the other end of the age spectrum in the hope that it would set an example to young people.
Late NewsPolice were called to a cinema in Grimsby this afternoon to deal with a pensioner, identified as Brenda Shuttleworth, who was apparently loudly clacking her dentures in protest at the price of admission. She was described as being known to police as a troublemaker, having recently being involved in a protest at the cost of pet food.
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