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Osmonds were 'first human clones'
Professor Ivan Mullet, the controversial biologist who died recently in a Paraguayan hospital, made a startling deathbed confession that 1970s teenyboppers 'the Osmonds' were the first ever human clones.
At a press conference held in the capital city of Asuncion, son Gregory Mullet produced photographs, diaries and other documents substantiating the claim.
DeadBrain's science correspondent Doug Ramsbottom, who studied the evidence said: "It seems that during the Cold War Professor Mullet was forced by the Russians to work on a variety of projects alongside the dyslexic scientist Josef Von Ramsbottom, the inventor of the unsuccessful Ricket. The Ricket cost the USSR the moon race when it was mistakenly filled with Nitrogen Oxide (laughing gas) instead of Nitrogen Tetroxide. Shortly after this disaster, both scientists fled to Paraguay."
"This cloning project was clearly the most diabolical of all Cold War plans, but there was obvious confusion following Von Ramsbottom's death when Mullet spent several years attempting to produce clowns. The Osmonds turned out as some sort of horrific compromise project."
"Following birth, the Osmond clones were placed with an unsuspecting 'good old fashioned American family' – in similar circumstances to Von Ramsbottom's own childhood".
Ramsbottom Douglas, a music expert, said: "If the general public hadn't had the sense to stop buying Osmond records when they did, who knows where the Osmonds would be by now and God only knows what they would have been up to."
Documents also revealed that decades before British scientists cloned 'Dolly the Sheep', Mullet had experimented with other cloned creations such as the 'Cog' (a cross between a Cat and a Dog); the 'Aspidogstra' (half Dog and half plant); the 'Paraguayan Mear Cat' (a cross between a Mouse, a Cat and an Ear); and the 'Big Mac' - the composition of which he never revealed.
Meanwhile, Paraguayan coroner Pinochet Douglas confirmed that the circumstances of Professor Mullet's death were not being treated as suspicious, even though the Professor had apparently died as a result of a combination of gunshot wounds and dog bites from several Doberman Pinchers, adding that: "people die from that sort of thing all the time here".
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Wow, look at this!
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