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| You are slobbering over: Home > News | 9th February |
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Bird flu could kill 2 million, solve pension crisis – Blunkett21 Oct 2005 by Glory Sergei
The avian influenza pandemic approaching our shores could cause the deaths of more than 2,000,000 vulnerable Britons and solve, at a stroke, the burgeoning crisis over the shortfall in retirement savings, according to pensions minister David Blunkett."It's fantastic news," Blunkett told reporters last night. "And if we have a harsh winter, the results could be even better." A buoyant Blunkett has decided to strike while the iron's hot, committing a quarter of his department's annual budget to exploit this "window of opportunity". Wire reports suggest that some 650 'green goddess' fire engines have arrived in Greece and Turkey in the last 24 hours, and are stocking up on infected fowl for the trip home. Citing a study published by the Institute of Public Policy Research in anticipation of a moderate-to-high infection rate, Blunkett said that for every 100 deaths of UK nationals between the ages of 65 and 70, there would be an average saving of £9 million. Financial industry sourced told DeadBrain this would wipe out the UK pension deficit, with funds left over for a drawn-out war with Iran and Syria. "But it's important we don't leave this to chance," Blunkett said. "Those who are claiming state pensions, or on the brink of doing so, should accept their responsibility and allow a simple 'means test'." DWP insiders said that 'test' was likely to involve groups of 20 pensioners placed in a warehouse filled with upwards of 3,000 diseased chickens for an hour at a time. "It would be entirely fair... Those who survived the next 6 months without medical treatment would be allowed to claim their state allowance as before," they added. Despite the potential boost to the economy, at the expense of only the dead wood of society, there were some voices of dissent: A spokesman for pensioners welfare group Help the Aged called the proposals "a kick in the teeth." "Would you sacrifice your grandparents for the sake of your own financial security?" he asked at a debate with a government minister. "Oh..."
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