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Blair to ban drinking in pubs, voting Conservative
4 Nov 2005 by Sir Charles Cheese-CakeThe British government announced further crackdowns on drinking and voting today in an effort to combat increasing worries over the nation's failure to make its own decisions.
The power-crazed Prime Minister announced his plans at a Whitehall press conference: "Good morning, loyal subjects. My cabinet and I have met at length during several smoke-free meetings and I've decided, sorry – we've decided, that the British people will no longer be allowed alcohol in pubs. In addition to this we will also be introducing a total ban on pork scratchings, scampi fries and dry roasted peanuts."
"In the next parliament we will be looking into outlawing eating in restaurants, driving on roads and breathing in parks. Alcohol is bad for you – look at my son Euan. No one has ever been out on a Friday night and nutted a complete stranger on a few Diet Cokes... except maybe John [Prescott]. We also want to prohibit the appallingly wasteful practice of voting Conservative. The Conservative Party is a nuisance. All they ever do is oppose me."
The announcement prompted a furious round of questions from waiting journalists. A BBC correspondent asked Blair if he was guilty of attempting to introduce a nanny-state: "Look, I simply say to you that it's not about wrapping people up in cotton wool," replied the Labour leader, "it's about wrapping the whole country up in cotton wool so that people don't need to use any themselves."
Further probing questions about his grip on power enraged the Prime Minister who, after flashing a huge grin, rebuked all criticism: "Listen. I tell you tough decisions require strong leadership. I'm a strong leader, besides I'm only following what America's done already.
"I'm not power hungry – after all you can't be hungry for something that, quite frankly, you already have far too much of. The people of Britain elected me to make decisions that they themselves would never have made – such as banning smoking or invading Iraq. As Prime Minister I'm here to serve the nation, as long the nation does what I tell it. I'm not here to be the people's friend – I'm a politician."
Lib Dem Leader Charles Kennedy was said to be "completely devastated" by the news of an alcohol ban. A spokesman for Kennedy simply said: "Charles is too upset to speak at this difficult time."
The Tories immediately condemned the booze-ban but surprisingly welcomed the move to forbid voting Conservative: "This will backfire on Blair. A ban on voting for us might actually increase our overall share of the ballot – after all it can't get any worse!"
Meanwhile, in other news, Michael Howard has announced he will not be standing in next year's Conservative leadership crisis. The outgoing Tory leader, who has been an MP since 1765, has expressed a desire to take a back seat for the foreseeable future.
"Michael needs to regenerate for a while," said a Tory minion, "so he will not be standing for the leadership again in this century – maybe in a hundred years' time but certainly not during our lifetimes."