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Global warming and rise in sea-levels linked to obesity

British scientists have confirmed that recent rises in UK temperatures and sea levels are directly linked to the obesity rate and not to pollution levels as was originally thought.

Doctor Greg Mullet of the British Medical Association, said: "The BMA has carried out its most extensive research effort ever over the past couple of days. We have identified that the rise in UK temperatures is due to the increased calorie intake of some of our population, equivalent to an additional 29.597 billion Giga-Joules of heat energy, and that the 'perceived rise' in sea levels around the UK is simply due to the fact that the UK is sinking with the increased weight of its population".

"We can also back these findings with archaeological evidence that shows this has happened before. Not many people are aware that around 600 years ago, next to the Isle of Wight, was the 'Isle of Left' whose major exports were chocolate and sponge cakes. This island sank without trace around the year 1376 with no survivors - as all the boats sank when the population tried to leave."

The BMA report also highlights links to the number of motorway repairs, cracks in pavements, and the reduction in the number of carriages that can now be pulled by the average British locomotive. The report also identifies that a minor tsunami on Blackpool beach earlier this year was caused by two members of the Mullet family, on holiday from Sheffield, entering the water at the same time.

Professor Douglas Ramsbottom of the global research organisation 'Scientists for Lowering Obesity' (SLOB) said: "With one in five of the British population officially classed as a 'salad-dodger', we believe at this rate of increase in obesity that the UK will be totally submerged in about fifty years."

According to a Downing Street spokesman: "The government is taking the report seriously and considering a variety of options, including forcibly redistributing some of the population more evenly across the UK, and sending John Prescott as Ambassador to Iran."

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