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British Medical Association identifies link between life and risk
A detailed report by the British Medical Association has identified a clear link between life and risk.
The report's findings were announced on this morning's 'BBC Breakfast' news programme, on which Professor Doug Ramsbottom of the BMA's Psuedo-Statistics Department, said: "A detailed study by the BMA, carried out over several hours with a sample population of over 3 people, has identified that there are significant risks to being alive. Unless we take action now, millions of people will die."
"The answer to reducing life-risk clearly lies in contraception. Several million people in this country were born as second or third children in families and are all likely to die from something. We are therefore recommending that parents use contraception after their first child, a move which will undoubtedly save millions of people from certain death in the future."
Asked whether the BBC had 'sensationalised' the report findings and was 'dumbing down' for its viewers, a 'BBC Breakfast' spokesman said: "We have fully analysed the findings of this BMA report, and going by the email traffic this morning, so have 183% of our viewers".
"As an early morning programme we have a clear responsibility to protect the British people from any detailed analysis of anything nasty or complicated, and feel we should continue to concentrate on the lives of celebrities and advising our viewers how to live their own lives in a futuristic nanny-centred police-state driven by unrealistic media fears and opinions".
'BBC Breakfast' presenter Natasha Kaplinsky, who has been seconded to the corporation's light entertainment department, added: "It is difficult enough as it is having to get up this early. I already have to do hair, lippy and all that stuff, never mind going into depth on stories that are happening a million miles away and full of people whose names I can't pronounce."
Health Secretary Patricia Hewitt said: "There is simply no truth in the rumour that if the 'BBC Breakfast' programme scares the heck out of 50% of its viewers that it can get a junior Minister on the programme, and for scare ratings of 75% and above it can get the responsible Secretary of State. We treat BMA reports very seriously, and this report is likely to influence a variety of Labour policies as it also links: drinking to alcohol, crime to criminals, falls to heights, turkeys to Christmas and cricket to narcolepsy."
"However, to say that we do not fully scrutinise these reports would be unfair. For example, we are currently in dispute with scientists and other experts on several findings including suggested links between wars and politicians and competence and the economy."
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