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Easter eggs banned in bird flu scare
The government yesterday denied that it is overreacting to the bird flu crisis by banning the sale of Cadbury's crème eggs, closing the online bank egg.com, postponing fertility treatments and ordering the Royal Air Force to intercept and shoot down migratory birds heading into UK airspace.
"The government has a responsibility to protect the health of the nation, and is right to take any action it perceives necessary to stop the spread of this virus," said Health Secretary Patricia Hewitt. "Even if it's against chocolate eggs."
British Medical Association spokesman Doctor Douglas Ramsbottom commented: "I can confirm that we are researching a variety of areas including suggesting broadcasters remove all Daffy Duck, Foghorn Leghorn and Woody Woodpecker cartoons from their schedules. Without doubt, children watching Daffy Duck are 43.51% more likely to want to eat a boiled egg for tea, which could have serious consequences for the spread of this virus. We have also identified that 'Passive Daffy Duck viewing' affects other people in the same vicinity and makes them 23.17% more likely to be hit by a meteorite. In layman's terms, this means that either 13,506 people could die, have each of their lives cut short by 611 years, or be perfectly OK."
Asked whether shooting down migrating birds was cost effective, Defence Secretary John Reid, said: "It is critical that we defend our shores against this approaching menace. Even though a sidewinder missile costs £1 million, it is the only effective method we have of detecting Duck sneezes at altitudes above 2000 feet, and ensuring that each Duck is completely obliterated. Any birds that do manage to get through have to face the army, which have so far shot down over 300 starlings and 96 geese, and issued thousands of our resident birds with small tin hats and RAF markings on their wings to avoid them being shot at by mistake."
The fight against bird flu is turning into a large NATO operation involving several air forces, according to DeadBrain's military correspondent, Greg Mullet. "However, all is not going to plan, as so far the Americans have only hit three geese but shot down 11 RAF Hawk aircraft and 63 of their own F-15 strike Eagles."
A US Air Force spokesman said that despite some "minor mishaps", it would be maintaining its special relationship with the British people, "who every day remind us of our mission by asking us to get the flock out of here."
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