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'Silent Night' to be scrapped in boozy run-up to Christmas
The much-loved carol "Silent Night", evocative of so many innocent childhood Christmases, is set to be banned with immediate effect, DeadBrain has learned.
The shock move reflects latest police predictions that, following the introduction of 24-hour pub opening, the concept of a "silent night", or even a tolerably quiet one, will quickly become obsolete and that the chance of residents anywhere near a pub being able to "sleep in heavenly peace", or any other kind of peace for that matter, will become an increasingly unlikely eventuality.
Instead, the carol is to be replaced by a specially-commissioned musico-dramatic work called "Violent Night", performed not by angelic choristers in hushed candlelit cathedrals but by gangs of drunken yobs pelting other gangs of drunken yobs with broken bottles at 4 a.m. in city centre streets full of packed pubs, vandalised cars, assorted comatose bodies, and pools of decidedly insalubrious substances.
Interviewed on BBC Booze 24, Greg Mullet, the Minister for Weapons of Mass Dissipation, commented: "Most years we have an anti-drink-driving campaign in the run-up to Christmas. Oh and we hand out our little homily on over-indulgence too, don't we. Well this year we thought hey, let's keep the pubs open all night instead."
Mullet strongly refuted a panellist's reply that this sounded "about as logical as two plus two making five", and that in the context of a Government so seemingly puritanical and health-obsessed in every other aspect of our lives, the words "doublethink" or "hypocrisy" somehow sprang to mind. "It's what the public wants," Mullet insisted, citing a YouChav poll published by the Sun showing 11 out of 10 respondents were in favour of 24-hour binge-drinking.
"And as for shepherds watching their flocks by night – fat chance," Mullet added. "They'll all be out on the p*ss, won't they. Er, the shepherds, that is." The distinctly bleary-eyed and worse for wear Mullet's comments, interspersed by 3 visits to the Gents' and 2 visits to the chemist to replenish his supplies of Alka-Seltzer, suggest that, perhaps at the other end of the social spectrum, "God rest ye, Merry Gentlemen" is still firmly on this year's Yuletide agenda.
Still on air, Mullet mumbled, "What was it they say is the opium of the masses? Religion? Nah, can't be, not at Christmas..." Giving up on the Alka-Seltzer and perhaps answering his question into the bargain, Mullet rounded off the interview by extracting a bottle of Victory Gin from his desk drawer.
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