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| You are drifting somewhere near: Home > News | 6th September |
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 Countries re-brand their image to land US 'torture-flights'10 Dec 2005 by Peter Gee
Newly invented documents obtained by DeadBrain reveal that the US Government has turned its 'torture-flight' programme into a thriving holiday business.DeadBrain correspondent Greg Mullet said: "It would seem that the US are successfully financing terror-torture flights by partnering with torture-friendly dictatorships that need to encourage more tourists. "As they are apparently all good at branding, each torture-friendly partner country is going through a re-branding exercise to ensure that they land the most flights. For example: Egypt is advertising itself as 'the land of the un-pharaohs', Pakistan is using the advertising slogans 'you'll scream more in Lahore' and 'we put the bad in Islamabad', and Saudi Arabia are pushing 'welcome to Al Madin-ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh – America's last resort'." Initial reports that the country of Jordan was involved seem to have been confused with one of the favoured methods of torture in use on the flights, namely back-to-back in-flight videos of 'I'm a Celebrity Get Me out of Here', starring former British pin-up model Jordan. Some experts also believe that these 'Marathon' torture flights may well explain why many people are finding it hard to find an NHS dentist at the moment. All trips are thought to offer free activities, including attention grabs, attention slaps and belly slaps, as well as an activity very popular with British railway passengers - standing for hours at a time in the freezing cold without refreshment. Most packages offer the choice of either half or full water-boarding, and are said to include several additional free 'breaks'. There are even Fly-DrIvE options. Achmed Mullet, a suspected terrorist waiting to transfer flights at a disused airport somewhere near Wrexham, along with a man in a dark suit wearing sun glasses, said: "These flights are (ouch!) great. I think the US is (ow!) great and as a British citizen extradited (oooch!) to America I can't wait to (ooof!) go to Pakistan (jeepers creepers...that's cold!) as I am told the female guards there are stunning (ouch!)." Foreign Secretary Jack Straw told DeadBrain: "As the Americans are no doubt within their own laws and international law, I am sure there must be sound economic reasons why the US is flying suspects thousands of miles around the world to other countries, instead of interviewing them on their own territory, in their own prisons, under their own laws." "I am not aware of any immediate plans to change Britain's previous brand name from 'Cool Britannia' to 'Cruel Britannia'. Of course, we would never torture anyone as we are above all that, and besides, the Law Lords have told us we can't. However, as long as someone else does it and we gain information then that's alright – isn't it? After all, we're doing all this to defend our values and our way of life – aren't we? That's what I went into politics for - didn't I?" Meanwhile, a survey carried out by DeadBrain as to whether the British public had heard of the 'torture-flights' and the alleged maltreatment of passengers is having to be re-worded, after 78% of respondents thought interviewers were referring to 'Easyjet'. Related Articles MI5 detains 15,000 UK 'terror suspects' 17 Sep 2005
Bush declares war on al Katrina6 Sep 2005
Bush launches Invasion Idol competition24 Aug 2005
Pentagon forced to end secret biological weapons project4 Jun 2005
Dumbed Down: That anti-terror legislation in brief11 Mar 2005
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