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New reality TV show to trick politicians that war is being won
The director of reality television at ITV stunned both the broadcasting and the political worlds yesterday by announcing plans for an ambitious new series. The network is to send a team of eight Members of Parliament into a giant artificial replica of Baghdad, where a vast cast of 10,000 actors will attempt to convince the unknowing politicians that Iraq's capital is not only a pleasant place to live but also contains a functioning democracy and satisfactory infrastructure.
Gregory Mullet explained that ITV sent out letters last month inviting the MPs to attend a 'cultural fact-finding mission' in the Iraqi capital. The politicians, who were carefully selected by ITV on the grounds of their extreme gullibility, have been locked away from the outside world in a 'training camp' in Hertfordshire for the last three weeks, where they are currently being schooled intensively on all issues Iraqi. DeadBrain understands that the group are due to leave the camp sometime in the New Year. They will be told that they are being transported to Iraq on a gruelling 58-hour journey across Europe and parts of the third world.
In reality, though, the unwitting politicians are to be driven in a minibus around the M25 for two days, before heading into central London and embarking at Paddington station onto a First Great Western service to Swindon. In an effort to ensure that none of the participants discovers the cunning scheme they will be strictly instructed not to look out of the windows.
Awaiting arrival in Swindon will be the 1,200 acre 'SwinDome'. Built in 2001 with lottery money as the home of the world's biggest jam jar museum (which closed in 2003), it is currently undergoing a lavish £300 million makeover. Using detailed satellite images a team of architects will create an artificial citadel that resembles central Baghdad to "99.5 percent accuracy". Crucial differences to the actual Baghdad will be the supply of water and electricity to all 13,000 Arabian-style homesteads.
A legion of actors, meanwhile, is to be supplied with 250 tonnes of make-up to create an apparently authentic Iraqi populous. They will all be instructed to smile and embrace the politicians of the show as 'liberators', explains Mr Mullet, as cameras purporting to be from ITV News follow their every move around Wiltshire's very own Baghdad. Iraqis displaying the U.S. flag outside their homes will add to the deception, along with polling stations complete with hordes of Iraqis gaily skipping along to cast their votes.
The MPs will stay at a purpose built 'hotel' every evening, where their reflections on the visit are to be recorded by secret cameras in every room. Three Jacuzzis will give them the possibility to unwind, and an ITV insider has informed DeadBrain that each participant will be allocated 'Jacuzzi-partners' from an opposing part of the political spectrum to maximise conflict, seen as necessary to entice viewers. If any contestant discovers the outrageous scam, the series will end immediately and be replaced by live snooker.
Mr Mullet hopes that the programme will run its full course and culminate in 'hilarious' scenes in the House of Commons as the gullible MPs passionately argue the case for a successful outcome of the War in Iraq. Viewers will then be asked to vote for the best contestant, judging them on entertainment value and sheer stupidity. The winner will be guaranteed a lifetime job on the ITV News Channel after they lose their seat at the next election. ITV aims to recoup the massive cost of the project in two ways: firstly by selling highlights of the show via mobile phones, and secondly by gambling huge sums on the eventual winner moments before they are announced to viewers.
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