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Government renames Christmas to 'Wintervale'
In a bid to further promote Britain as a tolerant, equal and multi-cultural society, the Government has announced a number of formal changes to the English dictionary for 2006, including renaming Christmas as 'Wintervale'.
DeadBrain correspondent Greg Mullet explained: "Just as when Britain moved from the old imperial to the metric weight system, and from LSD to decimal currency, to avoid confusion the Government is allowing writers freedom to use the new and old terms until the transition is complete in 2010. For example, if I were to say 'it is nearly Christmas', I will say from next year 'it is nearly Wintervale (Christmas)'. But after 2010 it will be illegal to write 'it is nearly Christmas'."
Tessa Jowell, Secretary of State for Culture (waste of tax-payers' money), said: "Following intensive research (web surfing) these new words were decided in a thought-shower (brainstorm) in a bid to move away from the Cabinet's (bunch of right-wing, Bush-loving, war-mongering, politically correct, anti-civil-libertarians with no commonsense) deferred success (failure) to achieve a tolerant, equal and multi-cultural society. This is not just a matter of political correctness (bollocks)."
Speaking from a pram in the lobby at the House of Commons, Conservative leader David Cameron commented: "I think these are very modern ideas which are also the language of a new modern Conservative party, which in 18 months will have modern ideas, modern thinking and modern political products which are thoroughly modern. Modernisation is the question, modernisation is the answer, and modernisation and understanding the public perception of modernisation is the key. In fact I am a very modern, modernising person, who can modernise modernisation in a modernising way. That's what's really needed in this modern world."
Other changes to the dictionary include renaming evil terrorists as 'misguided criminals with a different perspective' whom the Government hopes will all soon 'attain actuarial maturity' (die); Christians, who all become 'Ians'; and John Prescott, who from 2006 will only be able to be referred to as an 'abdominally extended, mass enhanced, attention deprived, abundantly verbal, self stimulated, anatomically compact individual, suffering from reverse bulimia'. However, it has been confirmed that Gordon Brown will remain a 'silly idiot' following an intervention from the Prime Minister.
The final meeting of the year is thought to have been followed by a rousing seasonal chorus of 'Higher power rest ye merry gentle persons' as the Cabinet built a snowperson next to a 'holiday tree' in the grounds of 10 Downing Street.
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