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BREAKING NEWS: John Prescott 'stolen', say police
Police are hunting for thieves who have stolen Deputy Prime Minister John Prescott. A gang of right-wing education fanatics are suspected, following Prescott's serious blow to Tony Blair's plans to give state schools in England more say over admissions, staffing and finances.
CCTV cameras filmed the raiders as they used a crane to lift the two-ton, 11-plus failure, valued at around 3p, on to the back of a waiting lorry. Officers leading the hunt said Prescott would have a substantial value on the lard market if he were to be melted down.
Chief Inspector Dibble Mullet of the Metropolitan Police said: "This is not an opportunist crime - these people knew what they were doing. Given the run up to Christmas and the usual substantial increase in the market price of lard around this time of the year, we think Mr Prescott is likely to be worth around £3 million if melted down. We suspect the gang that stole a large Henry Moore sculpture yesterday in Hertfordshire may have used that raid simply as a test run."
"One of the vehicles used in the raid was a Mercedes flat-bed lorry, possibly red, with a 'hi-ab' lifting crane on the back. If anyone spots a vehicle similar to this, probably with its wheels bent outwards and doing about 4 mph on the motorway with loads of smoke coming out the back due to the strain involved, we would be grateful if they would let us know."
"One of the suspects is described as white, late forties, English, and 'worried looking'. He could be heard on CCTV repeating the phrase 'education, education, education'."
Meanwhile on news of Mr Prescott's theft the price of lard plummeted in the City, as traders feared that supply would far outstrip demand for the foreseeable future.
Prime Minister Tony Blair said: "It is very difficult to express the emotions of the Cabinet at this moment, as we can't think of a word better than 'euphoric' at present."
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