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"John Prescott ate my Elephant!"
Staff and visitors to Blackpool Zoo were in deep shock yesterday, after witnessing John Prescott eat one of the elephants during a family outing to the Lancashire resort.
Zookeeper Greg Ramsbottom, head of the Elephant section, sobbed: "I have never seen anything like this before. We had four Asian Elephants, including poor old Marcella, who previously belonged to a German circus that closed down. Now she's gone...trunk, bones, tail and all. It was horrible I tell you, horrible! Prescott just seemed to somehow dislocate his jaw and ingest her. I told the boss we should have left the café open over the break."
DeadBrain correspondent Greg Mullet said: "As Tony Blair is on holiday and had this time decided to leave one of the Downing Street cleaners in charge, the Deputy Prime Minister was known to be holidaying with his family in Blackpool for the Christmas break."
"Asian Elephants, which are not native to Blackpool and are more usually found in Asia, can weigh up to 5.5 tonnes and live for up to sixty years. The elephants eat hay, fruit and vegetables and can 'poo' up to 18 times a day. Until now we thought adult elephants had no natural predators, but with all of the pie shops being closed during the break, Mr Prescott probably went for a female elephant as they don't have tusks."
On leaving Blackpool police station late last night, Mr Prescott said: "Elephant? Elephant? Look I've got my old pledge card a bit battered and crumpled we said we'd provide more schools, jobs, teachers and we have I can remember when people used to say the Japanese are better than us the Germans are better than us the French are better than us well it's great to be able to say we're better than them and I think that Mr Kennedy now there's a leader not doing so well lately and the Tories are you remembering what I'm remembering boom and bust negative equity David Cameron I mean are you thinking what I'm thinking, hey there's no brown sauce, want some of this, I'm remembering it's all a bit wonky isn't it?"
A police spokesman said that the officer leading the investigation was having a lie down after interviewing Mr Prescott.
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