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NHS scheme to refuse treatments extended
Downing Street announced yesterday that following the savings accrued from its NHS scheme to refuse treatment to smokers, drinkers and the obese, now deemed to be responsible for their own medical problems, the scheme is to be extended.
"This scheme now includes the emergency services," DeadBrain Health Correspondent Greg Mullet told DeadBrain, as per his job description. "This means that if you call for an ambulance, and on arrival the paramedics do not find you fit and healthy or under 30 years of age, you will be deemed to have caused the problem yourself and left to your own devices. This will save millions of pounds."
Dr Douglas Ramsbottom of the British Medical Association, a keen supporter of the NHS scheme, commented: "Our NHS scheme, based loosely on an earlier European model, has already saved many millions of pounds. Look at me, I am a healthy, six foot, blue eyed, blonde, well educated doctor, married to a six foot, blue eyed, blonde, healthy athlete. I eat well, I do not drink or smoke and I am not weak. In fact I am the ideal NHS patient."
In a recent Sunday Times interview, John Smith, president of the Royal College of Surgeons of Edinburgh, said: "Restrictions on alcohol (3 drinks per person) is the next logical step to improve the nation's health after a ban on smoking in public places comes into force there in March." Similar drinking restrictions are already imposed in some parts of America where Santa Monica and part of Los Angeles have powers to impose a 3-drink ban in bars and voluntary schemes operate in other states.
Dr Ramsbottom added: "I think we haven't gone far enough yet, and we should perhaps be including people who: don't work out three or more times a week, won't recycle, refuse to eat organic food, eat bacon butties, don't support the illegal invasion of other countries or don't agree that torturing suspects is right. As doctors, we believe our mission is to exterminate the impurities in society, as we know what is best for people. We stand for the prohibition...of illness. After all, what use is a fat person, a smoker, a drinker, an old person, or a thinking person in society today? This is what our third...er...millennium is all about."
Health Secretary Patricia Hewitt said: "Our mission is to improve the health of the nation through 'NHS choice' – our NHS choice. Our vision is that by 2050 smoking will be outlawed, drinkers will be practically extinct, and people will eat healthily enough to work until the year they die of something nice. However, we believe we will not need to worry about raising tax to recoup lost revenue from banning these activities, as most of our research shows that by 2050 the country will be practically empty anyway."
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