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New NHS reform allows patients to choose own diagnoses
2 Jan 2006
Hot on the heels of its NHS reform that will allow people waiting 18 months to have an in-growing ear removed at a dirty hospital in Leeds to choose to be treated in Plymouth instead, the government has announced another plan to revolutionise healthcare: from September, patients will be able to choose their own diagnoses.
"Every survey shows that patients want more choice and control over what is wrong with them," said Health Secretary Patricia Hewitt. "Now, with our new system, they will be able to appeal their doctor's diagnosis and choose their own. For example, if someone is diagnosed with severe flatulence and they are unhappy with the length of time they have to wait, they can change their diagnosis online or by phone to a broken arm and have a limb of their choice in plaster within a week."
A Department of Health insider told DeadBrain that the government hoped the plan would help some hospitals get out of debt. "People aren't going to choose to have something expensive and long-term like cancer," he said. "They'll want something quick, less life-threatening and easy to fix, like a sore throat. Prescribing cough medicine rather than chemotherapy could save billions."
However, doctors are concerned that the new proposals could be a "hypochondriac's charter" and a magnet for attention-seekers. "This could be an excuse for some people to designate themselves terminally ill just for the attention, when actually all they require is an aspirin," said Dr Douglas Ramsbottom of the British Medical Association. "I'm also worried about seeing a rise in people with a nurse fetish."
Speaking during a visit to a pilot scheme in Tunbridge Wells, where doctors have seen a 40% rise in recorded incidences of gout and reductions in "working class" illnesses, Ms Hewitt denied that the system would be open to abuse, adding that waiting lists were down and bed occupancy was at its lowest levels in years.
"This man has been cured of gout in less than a week," she said, pointing to a man requiring a triple heart bypass, who promptly collapsed clutching his chest. "You can't say the system doesn't work."
No information was available on comparative death rates for the pilot area at the time of writing.
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Oi, down here!
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