News · Satire · Spoof · Parody · Humour · Gordon Brown
DeadBrain: Daily news satire, spoof, parody and humour
  You accidentally discovered: Home > News21st November 
 

Council reveals it will take 46 deaths to prompt roundabout scheme review

Residents of the sleepy but vibrant seaside town of Weymouth have been wondering for the last six months just how many people have to die before the local authority will launch a review of a "treacherous" mini-roundabout installation on the A354 to Dorchester. Now, at last, they have their answer.

Dorset County Council transport supremo Greg Mullins told DeadBrainLocal last night that under existing traffic safety regulations regarding vehicle flow systems akin to the one just outside Nottington, 46 local dwellers must perish to ensure a rethink.

"We're not in the habit of doing things," he said.

"Willy nilly."

"There's a complicated mathematical formula in place. It's devilishly complicated -- verging on the complex. But the upshot of it is, I'm informed, that we have set the bar pretty high, and it's up to the people of Weymouth to rise to the challenge."

The mini-roundabout ensemble has angered locals since its introduction early this year, and a 'Not Roundabouts Here or in Immediate Area' (NRHIA) campaign was soon receiving popular support after the tragic death of resident Stan Figges.

Pensioner Mr Figges was so alarmed at the change to his long-used route to buy pornographic goods and Scotch eggs at the local Murco petrol station, that he went home in a state of anxiety and died several weeks later riddled with prostate cancer. Since then, campaigners have been fighting in his name, but for some the latest news is a bridge too far.

Pam and Keith Withers, of 46 Spatchcock Close, have decided "enough is enough" and are arranging a move to Market Drayton in Shropshire, well known as one of only 328 towns in the UK where roundabouts have yet to cast their deathly shadow.

"Enough is enough. We know we may be consigning ourselves to a nomadic existence as this curse engulfs our sacred isle," said Mr Withers, through an interpreter. "But enough is enough."

It appears though that there might be a chink in the Chinese wall Dorset Council have until now erected between themselves and local residents. Mullins, after all, has an encouraging message for those who want a return to the "dark days" of traffic lights and pelican crossings.

"Let's be frank with each other," he told a campaign meeting late yesterday. "If you give me 36 corpses by Thursday week, there's going to be some leeway."



Log in to read/write comments on this article

How cool is this?

Bookmark | Comment | Print | Send to a friend

 
Copyright ©2001-2008 DeadBrain. All rights reserved violently. Disclaimer | Privacy Policy | Sheep