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Geldof "disappearing up own arse"

At a packed press conference in a telephone booth outside Conservative Central Office today, Bob Geldof announced that the only thing up his arse is himself.

"I know that in the past I have been accused of being a mere puppet of Tony Blair and his G8 cronies, but I can categorically state right here and now that the only thing that is manipulating Sir Bob Geldof is Sir Bob Geldof," stated that aging narcissus, adding: "There simply isn't enough room in my arse for anything other than my own hand. It's my own ego that's using me as a puppet, that's why it's MY hand up MY arse!"

Geldof's Live8 concerts in early July were hugely successful in distracting the world's attention away from the Make Poverty History campaign and getting it back where it belonged, on himself. After convincing a bunch of his hapless millionaire showbiz pals to parade up and down in a park somewhere, Geldof announced to the world that everyone now had food for ever, that world trade had become "wicked", and that "all the bad guys have gone away to a dark corner somewhere to reflect on their role in keeping four fifths of the world's population in poverty, in order to continue funding an unsustainable lifestyle for the lucky few. And everyone look at me!"

"Because it was all because of me, because I'm such an expert (on me), and if it wasn't for me doing the things I've done, because I made everyone sit up and take notice before I announced that watching Pink Fucking Floyd undergoing rigor mortis meant that everything was OK again like it was after Live Aid, so that you proles could all go back to sleep after the 5 minutes of global citizenship you seem to think is all that's needed every 20 years, if it wasn't for me, then I'd probably have to join the Tory party as an advisor on poverty. Me! Ha ha! Me! Me! Look at me! Ha ha ha!" he added.

The Leader of Her Majesty's Opposition, the Right Honourable David Cameron MP, then welcomed Geldof into the slightly moist folds of the Tory Party. "It's great to have Sir Bob on board, though not as you might have expected because of his possible appeal to the younger electorate - to be honest, 99% of them see right through his self-serving antics," he said. "But having him around, with his incredibly grandiose delusions, colossal ego, and his hand wedged firmly up his own backside, does serve to bring back such happy memories of my days at Eton."

With thanks to Catherine



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