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Kennedy on the rocks, announces leadership contest
Charles Kennedy, incumbent leader of the Official Monster Raving Liberal Democrats Party, today admitted that he has been battling a serious addiction.
"Now, I know in the past I have sworn that I don't have aaaaany kind of problem," said Mr Kennedy in his statement, "and you know, don't you, you know I hate lying to you baby... but I was a weeee bit tiddly and may not have told the whole truth... but it's true! I have been struggling against leading the Liberal Democrats now for 6 years and I've finally realised I need professional help with my problem."
Mr Kennedy then stated that he had not had "so much as one good idea" for at least two months, and that he had "no intention of ever having any more good ideas in the future" - a pledge likely to cement his position as leader of the woolly sandal wearing fence sitter brigade.
A clearly rather tired and more than a little emotional Mr Kennedy went on to say: "I just wanted so much to be like Tony, he's so young and handsome and clever and can lie and no-one knows (hic) I mean cares, whereas me, you bastards, me... I have a coupla lousy drinks and you lot are lining up to stab me in the back, well come on then I'LL TAKE YERS ALL ON!"
After yelling "You! Outside! Let's have a feckin leadership contest right feckin now!" at the half of his front bench that reportedly had no confidence in him, Mr Kennedy quickly realised that the remaining half only existed because of his double vision. A succession of wimpy Liberal MPs immediately sought to placate their leader by stating that he was "alright, so you are", that "I feckin love you" and that "you're like my feckin brother".
An ashen faced Lembit Opik admitted that senior Liberals had "thought Charles was asleep" when discussing his problematic leading, adding, "It's only when you see an enraged and alcohol fuelled Charles Kennedy in full flight that you'll really understand why we want to legalise cannabis."
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