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Kennedy admits to "leadership problem"
5 Jan 2006 by Ben TymensCharles Kennedy has sensationally confessed to DeadBrain that he has a leadership problem.
In an exclusive interview, he told Political Editor Douglas Ramsbottom that he had been struggling with leadership for "several months", and that it had been "eating into perfectly good drinking time".
Meanwhile, Kennedy may also have a drink problem. Close friends say that he is struggling to find a regular drinking partner since a mysterious figure known only as 'Ten Pint Tone' had his liver "exorcised" in a bizarre voodoo ritual. "Charlie came back late from their regular session at Downing Street," revealed an aide. "He was telling this stupid tale about some weird woman casting out Tony's 'spirits' with the aid of a goat-eating ferret, 16 Siberian hamsters and the body of John Paul II. We just assumed they'd got drunk and messed about with a Ouija board, but then freaky, occult happenings occurred. Not just the usual poltergeist rubbish either – I mean, these were really disturbing things, like Carol Caplin getting a column in the Daily Mail."
Rumours about Kennedy have been circling for a while, and seasoned political observers think the latest confessions may solve a long-running political mystery. Our man in Westminster, Gregory Mullet, says it may even explain the political equivalent of Nessie.
"For a long time now there have been tales of a strange, slurring beast appearing on radio and TV, mumbling incoherently at interviewers. It has long been assumed to be an urban myth, and given the jocular name of "The Deputy Prime Minister". Now it appears this mythical beast has a simple explanation – it was just Charles Kennedy returning from a heavy night out."
Meanwhile, senior Lib Dems are worried about what it all means for their party. "It's terrible," explained one anonymous frontbencher. "Now we're all scheming behind our leader's back, the public may confuse us with a serious political party. We always said we wanted to take the Tories' place, but this is taking it too far."
Kennedy on the rocks, announces leadership contest
5 Jan 2006