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| You are sitting on: Home > News | 20th March |
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 Celebrity Big Brother discovers "perfect format"7 Jan 2006 by Alex
To coincide with the gala opening of Celebrity Big Brother 24, Channel 4 last night announced that they believe they have finally found the perfect format for the show.Traditionally the show begins an interminable age of joy (23 long, dark days) by introducing a group of 10 dead eyed celebrity [sic] zombies to the Celebrity Big Brother house, whose popularity level with Mr and Mrs Joe Lowe-Brown decides who gets to sell their story to the Daily Mirror first. The show has proved hugely successful, with the votes cast by mobile phone nearly equalling the number of ballots that were 'lost' into the Florida swamps during the American presidential elections of 2000. This year the format will change in an attempt to quadruple the revenue made from halfwit trailer trash sending in texts in multiples of 10, in order to pay for Channel 4's challenging new season of artistic Dutch 'programming'. "But our simple viewers can be reassured that the new format is quite easy to understand," said head of reality TV Douglas Ramsbottom. "This year we start with an empty house. Not even any cameras in it. Or windows! And this time the 'celebrities' get voted in instead of out!" "You see, what we realised," he continued, "is that the entire scope of programming in this country is at a celebrity saturation point of around 96%. Every channel you look at is just bursting at the seams with this tat. So we thought, why should we pay for them to be in our programme? Just let our viewers carry on their normal sheeplike grazing of the mindless junk on all the channels, and then pick their celebrity from there! So when the public finally decide they can't take any more of the tawdry bollocks emanating from, say, Ainsley Harriot and they vote for him to disappear, we simply send out a Channel 4 'snatch' squad who bundle him into a van and deposit him in the Celebrity Big Brother house at its top secret location. We set up security cameras outside the house and broadcast the pictures live 24 hours a day on E4 so that the public can rest assured that they are still there! Everyone's a winner!" He added that further savings would be made on the production of the programme as it would require no technical crew, the celebrities would not need to be paid as they would not be making any appearances on screen, and because no food would have to be supplied to the house. "Pretty soon they will feed themselves by resorting to cannibalism," he said. "We hope." Channel 4 Head of Programming Gregory T Mullet said "my Mummy likes it when the people do funny things", and added that a count of the millions of pre-emptive votes cast by the public during the press conference had Linda Barker voted into the house first. And second, and third. Related Articles Galloway agent denies client has publicity addiction 6 Jan 2006
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