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Islam: An Apology
The publishers and owners of DeadBrain News Resources Ltd, DeadBrain Research Services, DB Oil Filters and all affiliated entities have issued the following unreserved apology to all followers of the Muslim faith:
"In various articles, commentaries, captions and cartoons published in the last half century of DeadBrain's history, we may have inadvertently alluded to Islam, and the prophets thereof, in an unflattering light. Headlines such as "Mohammed was a Nob" and "Look, Here's a Pictorial Representation of that Nobber Mohammed" could have given the impression that those responsible for editorial output at the paper had an insufficient respect for the religion and its followers. Nothing could be further from the truth.
Following submissions from Muslim members of our readership pointing out indelicacies in our reporting, DeadBrain has decided to dedicate March as "Mohammed Month" as a means to building bridges with the valuable revenue streams in the Islamic world.
Under the unique scheme, we will:
Build a 20-foot papier-mâché celebratory model of Mohammed for a 'Jihad Jamboree' in Hemel Hempstead. As darkness falls, DeadBrain executives will set the model aflame to represent the light-giving beneficence of the Godly being
Remove all references which link Mohammed to the DeadBrain search terms 'coprophilia', 'Oaten' and '2-for-1 on Tuesdays'
Record and release a top 10 single produced by U2 recording supremo Daniel Lanois, praising Mohammed's bushy moustache and kindliness towards young boys
DeadBrain's Editor-in-Chief, Gregory T Mullet, said: "This is a profound step forward in relations between the online news publishing community and valued Muslim readers, including those of a more extreme disposition who may or may not be serious about the bomb threat thing."
"One thing is for certain," he continued, "we at DeadBrain are happy to sacrifice our editorial independence at the altar of a deity, and in turn compromise our integrity and founding precepts. We hope this shame-faced U-turn is enough to paper over the violent insecurities of religious fundamentalists everywhere, and is a comfort to them as they approach the impenetrable blankness of death that awaits us all."
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