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BREAKING NEWS: Washington at standstill during Cheney and Rumsfeld gun battle
The centre of Washington has been sealed off and a mass evacuation is under way as a result of an intense gun battle that is raging between US Vice President Dick "Head" Cheney and Secretary of Offence Donald "Dr Strangelove" Rumsfeld.
According to a White House aide, who spoke on condition of anonymity, the battle began when Mr Rumsfeld suggested that if Mr Cheney were to go to Iraq to teach the rebels how to shoot the insurgency would be over by the end of the week as they would all have shot each other.
The comment appeared to be a reference to a recent incident in which Mr Cheney mistook a companion for a quail and shot him in the face and chest.
The aide said Mr Cheney was furious. He pulled a shotgun from his trousers, pointed it at Mr Rumsfeld, and threatened to "blow your f***ing head off, a**hole".
Mr Rumsfeld then said something to the effect of "go ahead, punk, make my day", at which point Mr Cheney let loose. Fortunately for Mr Rumsfeld he missed; however, he did hit a security guard. Mr Rumsfeld then fled after picking up the fallen guard's weapon. Mr Cheney gave chase, firing repeatedly.
Mr Cheney has now taken up position in a room in the dome of the Capitol building, while Mr Rumsfeld is sheltering behind a tree in the street below. The two continue to take shots and hurl insults at each other even as police are ushering bystanders to safety.
It is not yet clear what sparked Mr Cheney's furious response. Douglas Ramsbottom, Professor of Political Science and Behavioural Psychology at the University of Bootle, told our reporter that it is likely that the secretive Vice President simply cracked under the intense media spotlight following the quail incident. "Or rather non-quail," he quipped. He said it would not have helped that Mr Rumsfeld apparently also said "cluck cluck cluck" after his initial comment.
Unconfirmed reports say that having changed his underwear President Bush is now hiding in his secret safe place (rumoured to be under his bed) and refusing to come out.
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