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Cheney plans Kingfisher hunt, hires blunderbuss
Fresh from a high-octane holiday tracking the fearsome quail, Vice President Dick Cheney has announced plans to step up his pursuit of microscopic wildfowl with a 6-week expedition to hunt down the tiny kingfisher.
And to ensure his success, brave Cheney has hired an 18th century blunderbuss designed to scatter red-hot shrapnel over as large an area as possible. "You can't underestimate the kingfisher," Cheney said in an interview with weekly magazine AvianSlaughter. "That bird is a death machine. And it must be stopped."
Cheney has accused the kingfisher community of ostentatiously displaying their vibrant plumage for genetic gain, sponsoring terrorism against Americans, and building a "fairly robust new nuclear program." Kingfisher sources meanwhile have denied that stated policy calls for the destruction of Israel.
Hunting experts said the kingfisher should provide less of a challenge for rotund Cheney, 66, whose recent attempts to snare a brace of deadly quail ended in a tragic 'friendly fire' exchange with long-time pal Harry Whittington.
Doug Derriere of the League for Cruel Sports said: "The earth-bound quail can accelerate to frightening speeds of up to 8 mph, making it nigh on impossible for a man of Cheney's bulk and incompetence to hit it, even with a 12 bore shotgun."
"Fortunately, the kingfisher's feeding and mating rituals involve hovering stock still for minutes at a time, lending itself ideally to satiating the insane bloodlust of blunderbuss-wielding, clinically-unhinged VP," he added.
Stand-up comedians, meanwhile, have hit out at Cheney for physically enacting a more perfect metaphor for US foreign policy than their combined minds could ever invent.
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