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£50m Tonbridge 'heist' a misunderstanding, Barclays boss reveals
The Tonbridge 'robbery' was not a robbery after all, DeadBrain can exclusively reveal. Bob Diamante, the stinkingly rich head honcho at Barclays Capital, has owned up to being the recipient of the huge wads of cash taken from a Kent cash centre on Wednesday: "Yes, I have all the money," said Diamante this morning whilst sipping champagne on his enormous yacht in the Caribbean, "sorry if there's been any confusion. Would you like to open an account?"
The bank, which earlier this week reported record profits of £5.28 squillion, up 15 per cent on the previous year, confirmed that it had sent a large group of 'surly gentlemen' to 'pick-up' the notes from the Securitas depot in their white van. Around six rough-looking chaps turned up and loaded almost the entire depot's contents into the Renault truck. They then drove off, only to return a few hours later to refill the lorry, with one of them reportedly complaining of having to make two trips to fit it all in.
The bonus paid to Diamante is the latest in a series of over-sized payouts to bank bosses. Matthew Barrett, who was in charge of closing down all the local Barclays branches, received a multi-million pound sum, the Isle of Wight and three aircraft carriers several years ago.
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