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Hosepipe ban heralds spring of zooming house prices
Amid dire warnings that the EU directive on having exactly the same weather each year has once again been ignored, estate agent Douglas Ramsbottom of Floggit & Gazump shares a few insider tips for struggling property vendors to turn the water shortage to their advantage and secure that elusive sale.
The examples are taken from actual particulars of a selection of the hundreds of properties he sold only this week across the drought-stricken arid wasteland of the south:
- "Deceptively spacious hole in fence adjacent external water outlet conveniently sited to rear of neighbouring property (not tested)"
- "Nocturnally-operated irrigation system to front lawned area afforded by sought-after location in wee-lined avenue a short stroll from popular local pub"
- "Compact top-floor apartment tastefully modernised throughout by its present owner and now comprising of 6 beds, 0 bathrooms, 0 ensuite showers, 0 WCs, and 1 balcony."
- "Affordable family home with rear garden laid to lawn including raised patio area with planning consent for rain dances between the hours of 6 am and 11 pm, and fully fitted with 10m Ikea totem pole (not tested)"
- "10-acre grounds boasting Olympic-size swimming pool, ornamental fountain, Jacuzzi, car wash, and comprehensive sprinkler system to all lawns and flowerbeds. Property conveniently situated within easy reach of Thames Water head office"
For the ultimate in conservation-aware living, Ramsbottom is currently marketing a "compact yet affordable 6x1 foot studio with period wooden fixtures, sited in a prime location in the urban oasis of 2 acres of municipal gardens. The property falls within the desirable catchment area of Thresher's off-licence and is handily situated for local public conveniences (not tested) subject to sobriety".
"The present owner – who's downsizing to a shop doorway – says he uses literally 'no water whatshoever'. But Thames Water wouldn't know where to send the bill anyway," Ramsbottom explained. "Though we won't put that on the sales particulars. People might think we're taking the piss."
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Look at this, moron.
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