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Gorilla gardeners strike south London
21 Mar 2006
The police are to investigate after so-called 'gorilla gardeners' struck in south London. The gardeners, who have not been named but are believed to be 'quite hairy', stand accused of maliciously digging holes in public spaces and planting shrubs in the middle of the night.
Douglas Ramsbottom, a Westminster Bridge Road resident who asked not to be identified, told DeadBrain that the gorillas had woken him up with their gardening. "It must have been about 3 am when I heard digging from outside. When I looked out of the window I saw a bunch of gorillas with spades," he said. "I tried to scare them off but they were having none of it. By the time I came down in the morning they had built a small rockery."
"The following day they came back and put in a water feature," he added.
A roundabout in Elephant and Castle was also transformed overnight by gorillas. Motorists the following morning were confronted by a number of palm trees and a large stone statue in the shape of TV gardening queen Charlie Dimmock.
"They might think they are brightening up the place, but these gorillas are a nuisance," said a spokesman for Transport for London. "They spoil perfectly good mounds of cracked concrete and dead grass, leave soil everywhere and that statue is a distraction to drivers."
So far police have been unable to identify the gorillas, but believe they are local to London. DeadBrain's reporter attempted to question the gorillas at London Zoo but was ejected by security guards.
Professor Gregory T Mullet of Bootle University, a national authority in animal gardening, examined CCTV footage of one of the incidents and could only add to the mystery. "Look at the cheesy smile and monkey-like behaviour. These animals might not be gorillas after all – they could be chimpanzees, or even actual monkeys," he said. "And has anyone seen Alan Titchmarsh recently?"
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Oi, down here!
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