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Blair introduces honours for all scheme
In an effort to fend off the mounting allegations of improprieties in New, Improved Labour's party funding practices, Prime Minister Blair has announced that effective immediately any British taxpayer who has aspirations to a peerage or similar honour will be able to obtain one simply by adding a voluntary donation to any accredited political party with his or her income tax return.
Mr Blair made the announcement as the row over secret loans in return for peerages grew.
Speaking to reporters at a hastily arranged press conference this morning, Mr Blair denied any wrongdoing, ever. He said that he has asked his good friend Lord Hutton to look into the allegations and accused the BBC of fabricating the story, as usual. He also denied that the new scheme is a knee-jerk response to the crisis surrounding his leadership. "Not at all," he said. "It's fully in keeping with our policy to make Britain a more egalitarian society. It simply builds on our diplomas for all policy. It's the right thing to do."
Lord Douglas of Ramsbottom, a senior aide to Mr Blair and major donor to the party, provided reporters with a schedule of fees for the honours:
- Life peerage: £250,000
- Annual peerage (new category): £200,000 initially and £10,000 a year for renewal
- Knighthood: £50,000 - £75,000 depending on the rank
- CBE: £30,000
- OBE: £25,000
- MBE: £20,000
- Tea with the Queen: £5,000 (half price if Prince Philip also present)
- Tea with Prince Charles: £500 (not available during grouse shooting season)
- Tea with Prince Harry Potter: no charge (tax credit of £500 issued)
- Blue Peter Badge: £250
Lord Levy, Mr Blair's chief fundraiser, denied that the new scheme is just a lord levy. "Not at all," he told reporters. "A levy is something that is imposed: this is entirely voluntary."
David "TB2" Cameron, current interim leader of New Conservative, denounced the scheme as demeaning to all those who had earned their honours by being footballers, actors, singers and the like, and said that besides, he had thought of it first.
Late NewsGregory T Mullet, Editor-in-Chief of DeadBrain, wishes to announce that he has dibs on the title Earl of Bootle, and respectfully asks his loyal readers to send him whatever they can afford so that he can purchase it as soon as possible. "It will give DeadBrain the touch of class it so desperately craves and needs," he said.
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