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Bird Flu: Terrorist link proven "without a doubt"

The government has "irrefutable proof" that the swan found to have died from bird flu in Cellardyke, Fife had been deliberately infected by al-Qaeda operatives, Prime Minister Blair has said.

Speaking by air telephone from Blairforce One somewhere over the Atlantic Ocean, or possibly the Mediterranean Sea, or perhaps somewhere else altogether, Mr Blair told a press conference that forensic testing had shown "without a doubt" that the swan had been deliberately infected with the deadly H5N1 strain of bird flu, and had been taken to Fife in a clandestine operation and left there. He said that it was "palpably obvious" that al-Qaeda was responsible, aided and abetted by the Taliban, "and probably some Iranians."

He said that several documents had been found near to the dead bird, including a MapQuest printout of Cellardyke, what appeared to be a drawing depicting the migratory paths of swans, annotated in Arabic, a photograph of Osama bin Laden, and a Tesco receipt for a pair of rubber gloves and a bottle of aspirin. The proof of al-Qaeda involvement, he said, was clearly irrefutable.

Although the H5N1 virus does not presently pose a severe threat to humans, Mr Blair said that this is a clear example of terrorism and shows that Britain cannot afford to let down its guard for an instant. "It shows, more than ever, the need for compulsory ID cards, for greater powers for the police and traffic wardens, and for us to continue to stand shoulder to shoulder with the Americans in the war on terror," he said. "It's the right thing to do," he added. He noted that although the incident appears to be isolated, al-Qaeda could be planning a huge summer campaign to leave infected budgies on the Tube, in railway stations, at football matches - or, in fact, anywhere that lots of people gather.

A BBC reporter who asked if reporters could be shown the alleged proof documents was escorted from the room by security guards. It is believed that he was taken to Lord Hutton for questioning.

In related news US President "Boy" George W Bush announced that he had ordered the US Air Force to shoot down any bird attempting to enter American air space. In an exclusive interview shown live on Fox News every half hour, the President, dressed in a combat suit and wearing an Admiral of the Fleet hat, said: "I have this morning ordered the complete destruction of any incursifaction of US territory by terrorist birds. I will leave every stone unturned to root out these evil-doers. God bless America!"

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