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| News · Satire · Spoof · Parody · Humour · Tony Blair |
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| You just spat on: Home > News | 18th March |
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 Bird Flu: Government announces nationwide cull of birds7 Apr 2006 by Malcolm Drury
As the bird flu crisis mounts following the revelation of a clear terrorist link and admission that more testing is being done on swans in the Cellardyke area, the government has announced a contingency plan designed to contain the disease.A six mile protection zone that was established around Cellardyke on Wednesday has now been extended to the entire UK after protests from the Scottish Nationalist Party that Scotland was being blamed and picked on "as usual". Within the zone, all wild birds are to be killed. The government has asked anyone with access to guns, bows and arrows, catapults, and anything else that could be used, to participate in the cull. Several members of the Royal Family are believed to have offered their assistance, given their collective experience in shooting things in the wild. However, a Buckingham Palace spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity, said that Prince Philip would not be taking part and had been locked in his room for the duration of the cull given his apparent predilection for "problems" concerning firearms. In addition, all pet birds are to be euthanised and members of the public are instructed to take their budgies, canaries, parrots etc. to the nearest vet as soon as possible. Anyone failing to do this by midnight next Tuesday will be subject to an ASBO and possible arrest under the Anti-Terrorism Act. Traffic wardens across the UK have been given temporary powers of search, seizure and arrest in order to be able to help police during the crisis. Public reaction to the emergency plan has been varied. Grimsby pensioner Brenda Shuttleworth said that although she would miss Joey she still had her cat and anyway it had become too difficult to buy birdseed and cat food and still be able to go to the bingo. She did not say whether the cat would miss Joey. Douglas Ramsbottom, Professor of Ornithology and Economics at the University of Bootle, told our reporter that in his opinion the government is wildly over-reacting. "The virus at present is no real danger to humans," he said, "and if we kill all the native species we'll just open the floor to a flood of European species, and that will require a colossal effort to recall all copies of the Observer's Book of Birds and write and distribute new ones. The impact on the economy could be devastating." A spokesman for the British Association for the Retailing of Fast Food (BARFF) said that there is no need for the public to be afraid of eating things like chain-restaurant fried chicken or chicken nuggets as they are produced from birds that have been so pumped with chemicals that no virus could live in them. Prime Minister Blair was unavailable for comment. A Downing Street official said that no-one knew where he was and he appeared to have switched his mobile phone off. Related Articles Bird Flu: Terrorist link proven "without a doubt" 6 Apr 2006
Bird Flu: Police overwhelmed by crank calls to supermarket poultry aisles6 Apr 2006
Government urges no panic over bird flu; panic spreads6 Apr 2006
Bird Flu: Cabinet go into hiding5 Apr 2006
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