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Royals refuse to comment on speculation Prince Harry is 21

8 Apr 2006

Members of the Royal Family have today refused to comment on newspaper speculation that Prince Harry Potter is 21 years of age and has friends. The Prince, who has recently finished army training at Sandhurst, made the mistake of visiting the Spearmint Rhino lap dancing club near Slough – an activity members of the Royal Family are prohibited from undertaking by the Daily Mirror Act 1988.

Speaking to DeadBrain by telephone from inside the room in which he has been locked for the duration of the bird flu crisis, Prince Philip was initially talkative. "Yes, of course I'll comment. I haven't spoken to anyone in days – just these damned foreign maids, and they don't speak English properly. Now, which one's Harry again? I always get them confused," he said, adding: "Bugger, the wife's back, got to go!"

Other prominent members of The Family were unavailable as the Queen organised a shooting weekend to help the government's attempts to cull all birds in the United Kingdom.

However, the Earl of Ramsbottom – Harry's great uncle's cousin's godson – agreed to speak to our reporter in exchange for a small fee. "Harry's a lovely boy – I last saw him when he was about eight – likes playing with his train set, you know. It's a magnificent piece of work, stretches all the way around the ballroom at Buckingham Palace. Or at least it did the last time I was there. Little steam engines with real steam. The Queen makes me pay to get in now with the tourists, you know. Times are hard."

Brenda Shuttleworth, a dancer at the Spearmint Rhino in the 1960s, described what Harry's night was like. "He was disgusting, he got us girls to do all sorts of things. Worse than Mark Oaten, except with women. One of them slapped him and was taken away by his bodyguards. He went home with my red g-string hanging out of his jacket pocket. Will that do?" she said. "I wasn't there, I've never met him."

Gregory T Mullet lives next door to the man who serviced Harry's butler's car in 1994. "That sort of behaviour sounds typical of Harry," he said. "It's all very well having a bit of fun but he could be king one day. He needs to calm down and grow up. It's simply not on for a royal to be 21 and having fun. Why isn't he out doing charity work like his mother or having an affair like his father?"

Clarence House declined to comment on the grounds that it is a building and therefore not blessed with the power of speech.

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