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Bird Flu: Government announces nationwide cull of cattle

8 Apr 2006

The government has commenced contingency plans to cull all animal life in Britain following the outbreak of bird flu, starting with cattle. The plans were drawn up after the foot and mouth disease crisis in 2001, when ministers decided that the unnecessary and illegal slaughter of almost 4 million animals did not happen fast enough. Following staffing cuts in the civil service the plans have yet to be updated, DeadBrain has learned.

Huge trenches are now being dug across Britain, with southeastern England the "priority area" because, although it is a long way from the single confirmed case of bird flu so far, "it's the most important bit". The plan dictates that cattle should be the first to be culled for two reasons: their size, and the ease at which they can be spotted.

In a money-saving measure, foundations at the building of Olympic stadiums for 2012 are to be dug extra deep in order to accommodate the charred remains of thousands of animals. Tax incentives are also on offer to private sector companies who may be able to help dispose of large quantities of burnt cow. Burger King and McDonald's have already come forward.

Government scientific adviser Professor Gregory T Mullet explained the rationale behind the plan. "There is no evidence so far that bird flu can jump to cattle – it's made the jump to dogs and cats, but not cattle," he said, with the aid of a flipchart and laser pointer. "But that doesn't mean that it won't. A cull is a sensible pre-emptive measure."

Asked whether, given that several humans have already caught bird flu, a cull of human life might also be sensible, Professor Mullet said that it "cannot be ruled out".

A spokesman for DEFRA, which recently relocated to Florida in a surprise PFI deal, said that a cull of household pets would be put off until after the local elections. "However, if a cull of humans proves necessary that could be brought forward, starting with farmers and chavs," he added.

Reports that Environment Secretary Margaret Beckett was seen attacking a gooseberry bush on her way to Heathrow in the belief that bird droppings on it may have made it susceptible to bird flu have been denied.

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