Sven asks Boris to take Rooney's place in England squad
4 May 2006 by Sir Charles Cheese-Cake
England's striker worries are over! Move over Wayne Rooney - here comes the MP for Henley-On-Thames.Fresh from poleaxing a German player during the England vs. Germany The Legends match on Wednesday, Boris has been called up to play for the full international side at this year's World Cup. "I was impressed with the amount of violence Boris displayed in the game," said Swedish love-god Sven this morning, "it looks like we won't be missing Wayne that much after all."
Johnson, 48 (stone), made his first appearance for England as a sub and immediately made an impact, blindly clattering into anyone called Fritz silly enough to venture within a 10-metre radius. Interviewed before taking to the pitch, the former editor of The Spectator commented: "I'm concerned the Germans are taking this far too seriously - it's a bit worrying."
Thankfully Johnson was soon on hand to lend a light-hearted yet heavy-handed approach to the beautiful game, culminating in his crunching rugby tackle on the opposing winger: "I just imagined he was Tony Blair, put my head down and went for him!"
When questioned about his call-up to the World Cup squad today the alleged politician replied: "What World Cup? Crikey - am I meant to be going now? Gosh! Will there be any lady journalists there?"
Meanwhile, the FA are set to name Sven's successor today. Reports are that Charles Clarke, who is soon to be out of a job, will be given the chance to mismanage England and muck it all up in the same way he's done with the Home Office.
"Charles has all the qualities we think the England manager needs," said an FA spokesman. "He's immune to criticism, he keeps making the same mistakes time and time again and, most importantly, he always lets the foreigners win."
