World to implode as stock market stumbles
23 May 2006 by Si Bowen
Stock markets around the world tumbled yesterday as fears of a falling dollar, rising interest rates and an unprecedented growth in the number of people called 'Tyler' led some journalists to predict fire will fall from the sky and kill everyone.The FTSE 100, leading index of the top UK companies, collapsed in mid-morning trading as market makers gathered to wish Dawn from Accounts happy birthday and forgot to leave the telephones manned.
As Dawn is particularly attractive they all took her to the pub at dinnertime too. By the time they realised they had no chance with her and had traipsed back to work, the market was closed and everything had been sold.
The public have been told not to worry as they will soon manipulate the figures and reap all the losses back from the private investor.
DeadBrain's Economics Editor, Stephanie Flannel, comments:
"The price of the dollar has been a talking point amongst City men ever since a fat American came to the Christmas do and started selling one dollar bills for twenty quid saying that it was a great investment.
"Three pension companies collapsed after liquidating all their stock to take part in this seemingly wonderful scheme. The poor chaps who run these funds feel awful and have promised to 'seriously think about' reducing their multi-million pound bonus – perhaps even deferring some until next year - as an estimated three million people will now be without a pension.
"Interest rates have remained flat for years and have been one of the driving forces behind the long bull market we've had since the bear market ended.
"No-one really knows what this means or when this 'bull' and 'bear' market was meant to be and, generally, people are too frightened to ask at the risk of looking silly. Well, it's been so long now. The only link I can think of between a bull and a bear is the word 'shit'.
"Equities suffered the worst hit, closely followed by Commodities, Investment Trusts, OEIC's, Gilts, Bonds, erm... Finkles? Then, maybe, Testules? No?"
City leaders have advised the public there is no need for panic or over reaction.
"If you have a good job and a few insider contacts you should be OK when you retire," leading equities broker Cyril Smithy-Pratt explained whilst supping champagne and sucking the liver out of a fat duck via its eyeballs.
"If you don't have a good job and you're not employed by the government, market forces determine that you'll end up working until the day you drop dead, which, if you think about it, is excellent news for the economy."
