Special Offer: Free crack with every ASBO
25 May 2006 by Sir Charles Cheese-Cake
As Britain debates the merits of introducing state- sponsored 'shooting galleries', or 'crack dens' at they're more commonly known, Tony Blair today outlined his latest weapon in the war on the press mentioning drugs."It's time we injected a little bit of imagination into the way we deal with junkies," said the grinning Prime Minister, "and what better way than wasting even more taxpayers' money on criminals? I say to you that there are a great number of drug-fuelled crimes committed in this country - some of them by British people - so we need to do something - even if it's the wrong thing. My new 'drugs for thugs' policy will go some way to making it look like we're doing something about it, and I'm hoping it'll deflect attention away from immigration and the fact our approval rating is now lower than John Prescott's trousers."
The new policy involves giving free crack to any lout given an Asbo from July. The offer will run while stocks last and is limited to one free dose per council house.
"I believe this scheme offers a real incentive to Britain's yobs to stay inside and shoot-up rather than go out robbing," Mr Blair said. "Where crack is not available a viable alternative will be offered such as heroin, ectasy, emphetamines or cocaine - now that's not to be sniffed at."
Octogenarian Lib Dem leader Menzies Campbell condemned the government's plans. "I totally disagree with Labour's latest policy," said the encrusted Scottish one, "despite the fact that I can't remember what it is. I think I need the toilet again. Bugger - too late!"
