US declares war on suicidals after Guantanamo Bay deaths
11 Jun 2006
The United States has declared war on suicidal people around the world following the suicides of three guests at its Guantanamo Bay holiday facility. The camp commandant at the US military base said the residents' deaths by hanging amounted to "an act of asymmetric warfare waged against us".A White House spokesman said that the willingness of people living in desperate conditions around the world to kill themselves out of despair amounted to a "clear and present danger" to US national security.
"Statistics show that every 40 seconds someone commits suicide somewhere around the world," he said. "What if even a tenth of those are suicide bombers with explosives strapped to their bodies? We are facing a crisis the like of which we have never seen before."
Responding to a journalist who suggested that being detained in miserable conditions without trial for years with no end in sight might understandably make a man feel a little down, the press secretary issued a personal invitation to inspect the quality of the facilities at Guantanamo Bay for an extended period. The correspondent was only too happy to take up the offer immediately with the help of two armed guards.
President Bush is expected to speak to the nation tonight to announce that bed linen factories in the Middle East are to be bombed forthwith. Tony Blair will tell Parliament tomorrow that the homeware sections of British department stores have been closed under anti-terrorism legislation.
Police in London have meanwhile refused to confirm whether the men arrested in a raid in Forest Gate were in possession of bed linen.
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