'Flawed intelligence' blamed for England defensive blunders
16 Jun 2006 by hra
With a "witless" performance against Trinidad and Tobago coming only days after their "lacklustre" one against Paraguay, England boss Sven Goran Eriksson today sensationally reveals in an exclusive DeadBrain interview the real reasons behind the team's shaky start to the tournament. Dispensing with the usual platitudes about the weather, the pitch, and the presence of an opposing team, Eriksson's inspired explanation looks set to lend his players complete immunity to any form of criticism or ridicule either now or in the future.
"One of our supporters sent us a detailed scale drawing of a football and said it was at the other end of the pitch," he explains, referring to England's series of defensive mishaps against Paraguay. "Faced with such credible intelligence, we had no choice but to act upon it immediately so we could get the shot in. If we hadn't, our fans would never forgive us."
Audio intercepts revealed a chilling picture of a well-organised force with professional military training. "We heard that at least one of them was some kind of 'Para guy'," Eriksson claims, defending his team's at times heavy-booted approach. "You simply can't take any chances with that kind of opposition."
Eriksson denies that declaring an air exclusion zone over the alleged football was an overreaction in the circumstances. "We had specific reports that one or more members of the opposing team had been preparing to attempt a header," he commented. "Well, certainly within the first 45 minutes, anyway."
In another defensive blunder against Trinidad and Tobago which almost gifted an opposition striker a goal, Eriksson explains that the England defence had unexpectedly had to be "redeployed". "We did know from a previous investigation he was on the opposing team's list of players and we started off marking him as normal, but then following fresh intelligence, we had to pull our defence off on to other priorities," he elaborates. "Not to the nearest pub in this instance. But obviously we can't go in to further details because we might compromise our strategy."
The whole situation is a tragic indictment of a lack of resources, Eriksson believes. "We just don't have enough players on our team. True, we've always managed with 11 players in the past, even when we won the World Cup, but sadly, the rules of the game have changed since 7/7. It's only a matter of time before we let a goal in. It's a question of when, not if."
In its next match, the England team will be boosted by a further 10 strikers, 10 midfielders, 10 defenders and 15 goalkeepers. The game is also expected to have 0 referees and 0 linesmen, despite which, all of the opposition will be immediately booked for dissent and then sent off. However, should these measures prove insufficient, Eriksson has a fallback strategy which no one either in football or outside has ever thought of before.
"We could always move the goalposts."
