Salmonella found in Cadbury's Cream Eggs
24 Jun 2006 by Sir Charles Cheese-Cake
Cadbury, the nemesis of dentists, has had to recall thousands of its cream eggs after a nasty strain of salmonella was found at its factory, sparking fears of a terrorist plot. Normally only found in real eggs, the bug made famous by Edwina Currie is now believed to have 'gone rogue'.With national security at risk Tony Blair initiated 'Cobra', the emergency group that at moments of national crisis sits around with cups of tea and biscuits to discuss how best to spin the situation to gain more votes. Cobra then issued the following television statement from the safety of its secret underground nuclear bunker:
"If you see an unattended Cadbury's Cream Egg don't touch it but don't ignore it either," said someone who looked remarkably like John Reid dressed in a radiation suit. "Instead, call the police. They will then swamp the area with roughly 2000 officers who will of course be armed to the teeth and desperate to fire their weapons at some point. They will then neutralise the situation with their usual mixture of culturally-sensitive finesse and heavy-handed gun waving."
Sadly this warning may have come too late for John Prescott who apparently had already scoffed several packets of the sickly treats just before lunch.
News has reached DeadBrain that Woking city centre was cordoned off shortly after Cobra's statement, amid reports that a member of the public had recklessly abandoned a lone Cream Egg on a bench outside Dixons. Local rozzers moved in and carried out a controlled explosion on the offending confectionary before arresting everyone in the vicinity sporting a beard and carting them off for questioning.
Further reports have come in of a raid in east London:
"We can confirm that at 2.35 pm this afternoon we were alerted to a potentially harmful chocolate-based device at a corner shop in Barking," said a man in a uniform.
"At 2.55 our officers, with the support of counter-terrorism specialists, successfully stormed the building and apprehended the four terrified occupants, only one of whom died in the process. However, we have as yet only managed to uncover items made by Nestle. You can rest assured we will continue ripping the local convenience store apart until we are satisfied that there are no Cream Eggs of Mass Destruction on the premises."
