Lebanon crisis worsens as Lord Levy fails to act
Lord Levy, who is also Tony Blair's Middle East Envoy and the Labour party's chief fundraiser, is nicknamed 'Lord Cashpoint' in party circles for his ability to raise funds with ease. Among Labour donors and loaners he is allegedly known as 'Lord Tesco Clubcard' for his alleged ability to add value to alleged loans and donations through loyalty points, which can allegedly be redeemed for money-can't-buy prizes such as tea with Mr Blair and a seat in the House of Lords, allegedly. Lord Levy is currently on police bail after being questioned on these allegations, and is therefore unable to travel abroad.
"The whole thing stinks," said Brenda Shuttleworth, a pensioner from Grimsby who travelled to Beirut to buy a cauliflower. "Israel's bombing the roads and airports. It's not safe to be here but I can't get home. What we need is for Tony Blair to send his envoy out here to sort things out, but because he's helping the police with their enquiries he can't come. We're stuck and it's all his fault."
Douglas Ramsbottom, a spokesman for Hezbollah, also had criticism for Lord Levy. "We need some leadership from a trusted mediator, but we're not getting it," he told DeadBrain. "All we can do in the meantime is keep firing rockets at Israel."
In the absence of Lord Levy, a British rapid deployment team from Cyprus is flying the EU's special representative and head of ice cream design Javier Solero into Beirut, from where he will lead efforts to distribute Mini Milks to children who have had their homes bombed.
"I like Mini Milks as much as the next child, but what we need here is Lord Levy, not ice cream," said one boy. "I feel let down by the British Labour party."