UK adopts doctrine of disproportionality in domestic affairs
30 Jul 2006
Inspired by Israel's rampaging success in stopping Hezbollah firing rockets at it from Lebanon, the government is to introduce the doctrine of disproportionality to domestic affairs. A secret briefing paper entitled 'Overreaction Works' was written by Tony Blair's advisers in Number 10 and seen by DeadBrain's undercover reporter. He read out the proposals over the phone.Anti-social behaviour
ASBOs are to be replaced by House Demolition Orders. Rather than issue delinquent youths with pieces of paper that they can't read, local council officers, police community support officers, traffic wardens, head teachers, nursery school nurses and members of the RAC will be empowered to order the demolition of their houses, their parents' houses and their neighbours' houses.
The paper concedes that there may be structural problems with demolishing part of a high-rise block of flats, but suggests that consultants be employed to work out how. It did not make clear whether the youths and their families would be allowed to leave their properties first.
Traffic offences
Motorists caught speeding, using a mobile phone, drinking or braking suddenly are to be transported to the middle of a firing range used by the US Air Force. They will then be showered in leaflets written in Dutch warning them that they should leave immediately as the range is about to be bombed. The bombing will commence after a pause of no more than two and a half minutes.
Protests
The current ban on protests within half a mile of Tony Blair is to be extended to 20 miles. Tanks are to be positioned at the entrance to Downing Street and along Whitehall.
Opposition
The House of Commons is to be extended in width and the microphones removed along the Opposition side so that Tony Blair can ignore Conservative questions more easily.
Leaks
Government leaks are to be more strictly punished (except where authorised by Downing Street). Leakers and recipients of leaked information are to be rounded up and sent to Beirut as UN aid workers, where their life expectancy is likely to be around two days.
At this point DeadBrain's correspondent abruptly ended the call, saying he urgently had to move to Scotland.
