News · Satire · Spoof · Parody · Humour · Gordon Brown
11th February
Updated from time to time

Government proposes "personal PFI" to help insolvents

Following today's news that a record number of people became insolvent in the second quarter of 2006, DeadBrain has learned that the government is to extend a pilot scheme which allows borrowers access to new funds. Rather than borrow from banks, credit card companies, party donors or loan sharks, the scheme lets people access PFI funds that are normally reserved for schools and hospitals.

One person who has already tried PFI funding is Grimsby resident Brenda Shuttleworth. "I wanted a new kitchen and got a quote for £8,000, but the bank wouldn't lend me the money," she said, "so instead I got it done on PFI through AMEC."

Mrs Shuttleworth's kitchen re-fit was completed over a period of three months – two more than expected – and at a cost of £1.2m, which will be paid back over a 30-year period. "There have been a few problems," she continued. "The ceiling's now about 10 inches lower, and only two of the cupboard doors open."

"And instead of the sink I asked for they installed a bidet," she added.

Doug Ramsbottom is a Bootle cheese merchant. "I wanted a new computer for my children to do their homework on, play games, surf the net, that sort of thing, but I've got a poor credit rating and I couldn't afford one," he said. "I went to EDS and they set me up with a network of ten Sinclair ZX Spectrums on a 99-year lease."

"In total I think it's going to cost me - and my children after I'm gone - about £500,000," he added. "I wish I'd never bothered."

A Treasury spokesman said he was unable to comment due to hearing problems, which had been brought on after Carillion upgraded the air conditioning in his apartment by installing a Rolls Royce jet engine.
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