Millennium Dome to be turned into whitewash factory
5 Aug 2006 by hra
In a dramatic U-turn, the Government is set to scrap its controversial plans to turn the Dome into a super-casino, according to leaked emails seen by DeadBrain. In response to what is described as "a looming national emergency of cataclysmic proportions", the attraction is instead urgently needed for redevelopment into a factory for industrial-scale production of a material essential to the very fabric of public life today.Latest Government figures show stocks of whitewash have plummeted to an all-time low following unprecedented levels of demand in recent years. A string of high-profile inquiries has left reserves in imminent danger of running out altogether, leaving many vulnerable individuals and organisations at real risk of exposure.
With Home Office forecasts predicting "untold millions" of innocent but vaguely foreign-looking people still alive and unharmed in the UK, Scotland Yard looks set to be first in the queue to get its own high-capacity pipeline running straight from the Dome's factory outlet. A dedicated feed will run direct to the office of police chief Sir Ian Blair for his very own personal use.
Additional pipelines will be supplied to each of the country's intelligence services, prompted in part by calls this week by MPs for independent oversight in order to restore public confidence. The proposed new watchdog, "Ofspook", is forecast to use up about half of the Dome's capacity alone. In addition, under new JIC rules, any future weapons dossiers will need to be supplied with a lorryload of the product at the outset "in order to streamline the inquiry process".
A tanker delivery service will supply Labour fundraisers up and down the country, who, under tough new anti-corruption regulations, will be legally required to keep reserves of the product on their premises at all times. Any donors (or loaners) recommended for a peerage will receive a 10-gallon tub and set of instructions just in case any unfortunate public scrutiny should come their way.
Wholesale deliveries will be a mere mouse-click away for anyone in Government remotely connected with procuring an IT project, in a slick new online service provided by Tesco. Senior project managers for the NHS have been the first to sign up, with staff on the National Identity Register project swiftly following suit, but with billions of pounds of public money still available to be wasted on every imaginable kind of IT fiasco, the service is already set to be vastly oversubscribed.
In future expansion, the Dome's product line will be extended to include materials and equipment for the following essential functions of any self-respecting inquiry: smear campaigns, smokescreens, spanners in the works, cover-ups, undermining, mud-slinging, stonewalling, muck-raking, and buck-passing. Good old traditional porkie-pies will of course also be available, via a personalised delicatessen order service.
Only one member of Government is bemoaning the sacrifice of the planned super-casino in order to rescue the nation in such a desperate crisis. According to yet more leaked emails, John "Dome Ranger" Prescott has, however, consoled himself by booking his ticket to the luxury ranch of a US tycoon who quite coincidentally made his fortune in whitewash and hopes to expand into the UK.
