Israel threatens nuclear strike after trouble down at ol' Shebaa Farm
8 Aug 2006 by D Billingham
The fear that the Middle East conflict could escalate into a global nuclear showdown moved an unfortunate step closer to reality today, as Israel reacted furiously to allegations of Hezbollah-inspired shenanigans at the hotly disputed Shebaa farm on the Syrian/Lebanese/Israeli border.The cause of the Israeli fury was a routine cattle count this morning by farmer Douglas Ramsbottom, who runs the holding. He reported one cow missing from the herd at the twenty-acre farm, which is occupied by Israel but claimed by Lebanon, Syria and Warwickshire County Council. Israeli defence sources then indicated that they would be holding Hezbollah directly responsible for "this grave and inhumane act of bovine robbery" and the Chief of Staff dramatically refused to rule out the use of Israel's nuclear arsenal in response.
The alleged poaching constitutes merely the latest in a long line of squabbles over the farm. Under a 1968 agreement, Israel is permitted to help itself to 15% of the farm's milk and a small selection of fruits and berries for purely non-commercial baking purposes. Lebanon had been aiming to reduce the Israeli milk intake to 10% as part of the UN Resolution, while the Lebanese Prime Minister last month accused Israel of both deploying Special Forces to milk the cows in the middle of the night, and selling apple crumble containing fruit from the farm. Both allegations would constitute clear contraventions of the 1968 agreement. To complicate matters further, Israel accused the Syrian army of scrumping apples from the orchard last week, a crime President al-Assad attributes to a group of holidaying Warwickshire schoolchildren.
DeadBrain caught up with farmer Ramsbottom this afternoon, as he was busily collecting his grain harvest. "I don't know much," admitted arguably the world's highest profile farmer, "but I do know that someone's been at me apples and one of me cows has gone. I also know that she couldn't have wondered off, as I just put myself a new fence up yonder in 2003."
"Now then, if it takes nuclear annihilation to put a stop to all this, then so be it!" he declared.
As the dreaded nuclear impasse developed, an offer to avert the impending Armageddon arrived from an unlikely source. The United Nations has just confirmed that it will consider a £10.2 million offer from Waitrose to purchase the Shebaa farm and construct a superstore there. DeadBrain understands that this application also features proposals to turn Southern Lebanon into a 'family fun park' consisting of a multi-screen cinema and a drive through Pizza restaurant.
Hezbollah was unavailable for comment.
