Home Office scandal as efficiencies discovered
9 Aug 2006 by Perfect Disaster
A leaked memo yesterday sent shivers down the backbones of Whitehall mandarins with the discovery of "a level of efficiency" inside a small Home Office directorate. The shocking discovery was made by the personal assistant to the Executive Typist of the newly appointed Office Junior - who was unavailable for comment due to being on college day release. Initial reports suggest that this is possibly an isolated incident brought on by a flush of ambition and youthful exuberance, but it is rumoured that this is not the first event of its kind.A spokesman for the Office Junior said: "The Office Junior, who I cannot name for legal reasons, has never been involved of any acts of efficiency, streamlining or best practice. OJ, as I will refer to them in this statement, is deeply saddened by the thought of their reputation being tarnished with such hurtful allegations so early in their career. OJ hopes one day to be responsible for multi-million pound IT disasters, the release of dangerous criminals and the influx of illegal immigrants and knows that being pigeon holed as talented will not allow such meteoric achievements and will surely only result in a successful career in the private sector."
This is the last thing the Home Office needs in the current climate and John Reid is said to be extremely placid, and suffering from a case of the munchies, whilst at a conference in Amsterdam. Dr Reid, who is not suspected of any drugs misuse, is said to be understanding and non-combative which is leaving many political commentators unsure about his mental condition.
"It is similar to when Dr Reid spoke out about aliens calling themselves 'rogue elements' infiltrating the Security Services and briefing against the Government in the Iraq weapons row," said Gregory T Mullet, leading political scholar from the University of Bootle. "Dr Reid has a history of not accepting success; I'm sure that with hard work, dedication and a really big stick he will drive the correct behaviours into his department."
The Home Office directorate embroiled in this scandal, The Political Correctness Directorate, is said to be in a state of disarray. They recorded the first technological delivery to schedule and budget, the first in the history of modern Government, installing a new keyboard for the cleaning supervisor within the 7 week deadline with a cost to the taxpayer of £12,500, a whopping £53,000 under budget. It is believed that calls for a public inquiry into this project are inevitable with EDS, supplier of choice for the definitive IT nightmare, favourites to head up the investigation.
