International terrorism achieves carbon reduction targets for 2006
10 Aug 2006 by Alex
Osama Bin Laden today announced that the loose international web of extremist Islamic terror groups had achieved its carbon reduction programme for 2006, an impressive five months ahead of schedule. Using the grainy, hand-held and amateurish camera work that has become the hallmark of ITN, Mr bin Laden made the dramatic announcement from his top secret HQ at the bottom of the garden of number 5 Hollytree Avenue, High Wycombe.
"Friends, Muslims, and soon-to-be-punished infidels. Today I bring you a message of hope from the heart of the Islamic Revolutionary Potting Shed. In January a formal meeting of the international Extremist Islamic terror council, including representatives from al-Qaeda, Hezbollah and Jemaah Islamiah, promised to achieve carbon neutrality throughout our actions by the turn of the year. And despite protracted use of 'Allah's Fire' rockets in the South of Lebanon in recent weeks, today we have achieved that target."
Alluding to the seemingly never-ending queues of frustrated air travellers at British airports from Heathrow to Bristol, and the global 'fanning out' of disruptions attributed to stranded aircraft and crews, Mr bin Laden pointed out that "in one day alone our brothers have done more to discourage people from taking short-haul flights than anything Greenpeace, Friends of the Earth, or the entire international scientific community on climate change could, despite their having overwhelming proof of the incredibly destructive nature of air travel."
"And they didn't even manage to do what they were supposed to do, the idiots!"
Other well-known international terror groups such as the United States Army, the New Labour 'government', the State of Israel, and the Free Wales Army have had little or no success in tackling carbon emissions thanks to an amalgamation of many factors. These include the incredible distances around the world munitions must be transported in order to drop them on small villages (so-called 'bomb miles'), the massive use of air power demonstrated by western democracies to pound middle eastern countries into submission, and the pressing need to take gas guzzling heavy armour and 'Snatch' Land Rover 4x4s on the school run in Kabul. And farting sheep.
"How ironic," said Hezbollah leader Sheikh Hassan Nasrallah from his secret HQ in the snug of the Cow and Snuffers in central Birmingham. "It looks like in the end it will be us that saves the world!"
