UK security level downgraded from really-quite-scary to mildly frightening
14 Aug 2006 by Sir Charles Cheese-Cake
The Rozzers and other anonymous security agents who don't really exist have decided to tone down the perceived level of possibly expected terror, perhaps in a bid to have a bit of a break and a nice cup of tea before the shit really hits the fan. After several days of government-led panic across our besieged country the atmosphere is slowly returning from one of petrified inevitability to a more normal state of whingeing disillusionment with the crappy weather, the England football team and the latest Big Brother eviction.
British airports up and down the green and pleasant land are now operating with their more familiar 'minor' delays as opposed to the 'severe' ones suffered by passengers over the past week. It's thought that by tomorrow babies will no longer be required to travel in the hold. And, in a selfless bid to take everybody's minds off fears over air travel, the RMT and the fire brigade are expected to announce long, drawn out strikes to run in September and October respectively.
"Unfortunately the reduction in perceived threat now means that it's safe for Tony Blair to return from his nice, relaxing Caribbean holiday," a Downing Street source said. "But at least that idiot Prescott won't be in charge any longer."
The British security services operate on an internal five-tier security threat system (in contrast to the public one revealed by DeadBrain last month) - carefully developed after centuries of invading other countries and generally annoying Johnny Foreigner.
They are:
- Pretend we're Switzerland (nowt to worry about)
- What are you looking at, Fritz? (slightly menacing but nothing we can't handle)
- Get America to make threatening gestures (mildly frightening)
- Stop anyone travelling anywhere by air but continue to leave train stations unmanned late at night (really-quite-scary)
- Call Claims Direct now on 0845 123 666 (we're doomed!)
