John Reid to deliver daily message of fear
19 Aug 2006
John Reid is to deliver a daily message of terror after his frequent broadcasts during the recent "liquid on planes" crisis received critical acclaim. DeadBrain has learned that Dr Reid, who was recently voted Britain's scariest man in a joint Women's Institute/TV Quick poll, will take to the airwaves every morning from a specially-constructed studio 21 metres below the Home Office. His fear-inducing message will be carried live by every major television channel and ITV.Dr Reid's announcements, which are sometimes accompanied by the ghostly presence currently inhabiting the body of Transport Secretary Douglas Alexander, "scared the living crap" out of people watching breakfast television, TV critic Greg Mullet told DeadBrain.
"It was like Psycho meets The Omen meets Scream 4 over a bowl of cornflakes," Mr Mullet said, "totally unexpected, a little unconvincing in places and not very funny, but pretty frightening at the same time."
The new broadcasts will at first focus on terrorism, and in particular the untold dangers we now face from household cleaning products, hairspray and baby food coming into contact with fight attendants, but will later expand to cover other areas within Dr Reid's brief.
According to an internal schedule seen by DeadBrain, future broadcasts will cover the threats posed by speeding, Polish builders and unattended chip pans. Each transmission will end with a slide showing the current alert status and a message inviting the public to call a premium-rate number to inform on friends, family and neighbours. The latter is understood to be an attempt to fill the gaping hole in the Home Office budget.
A source inside the broadcasting industry meanwhile told DeadBrain that it was "highly likely" that Dr Reid would be nominated for an Oscar for his performance during the recent crisis.
